In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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