my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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