I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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