I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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