i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
