dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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