my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
