Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
