I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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