I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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