omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
