So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
