i think my tv is drunk
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
