I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Found your dick twin last night
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
