Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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