i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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