So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
