The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
