Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
