god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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