she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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