So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
