so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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