if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
