Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
