batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize