Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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