Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
