Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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