Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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