I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
