she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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