im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
