we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
