She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
