i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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