Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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