i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
