Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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