i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
