don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
