I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
