Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
4 words: hood of his car
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
