His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize