I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
