I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
