I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
There's even glitter on my cock...
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