did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
