fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
