My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
