I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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