..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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