i would punch a child for taco bell
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize