He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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