Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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