real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i will never coherently bang her
organizing the empties. That sober.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
