break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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