i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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