I just found puke in my bra..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
