yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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