Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
