everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
