Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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